


His Breathing, My Heaving

by fell_in_love_didnt_you



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Trigger Warning: Nightmares, carry on, rianbow rowell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15333657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fell_in_love_didnt_you/pseuds/fell_in_love_didnt_you
Summary: There are nightmares Baz will never tell Simon about.It’s not because de doesn’t trust Simon. They’ve been together too long and seen too many things together for there not to be a level of trust that surpasses night terrors. If anything, Simon’s are worse. Baz is woken up sometimes with a shaking bed and a body clinging to his. The wings used to flap in his face, but since the removal, Baz only feels the ghost of the breeze they sent.





	His Breathing, My Heaving

There are nightmares Baz will never tell Simon about. 

It’s not because de doesn’t trust Simon. They’ve been together too long and seen too many things together for there not to be a level of trust that surpasses night terrors. If anything, Simon’s are worse. Baz is woken up sometimes with a shaking bed and a body clinging to his. The wings used to flap in his face, but since the removal, Baz only feels the ghost of the breeze they sent. 

And it’s also not because he doesn’t think Simon can handle it. He faced a numpty Baz sent on him when they were just children, and he defeated a younger version of himself by giving up everything he had. Simon is selfless, and he’s braver than Baz could ever hope to be. He can handle the weight of a thousand worlds before he asks for help. 

The only reason Baz lies is because he doesn’t want Simon to know. 

There are terrors that they haven’t talked about. Simon popped his first grey hair a year ago, and Baz has yet to develop smile lines. Baz held Simon in his arms when he thought the bronze-haired boy he knew had died. There was a feeling of being robbed in that, and sometimes Baz still feels it. The more Simon ages and grows five o’clock shadows and begins to crack his back when he sneezes, the more Baz grows anxious and checks his slow pulse and laughs before he cries.

The worst terrors came on nights like this. Thunder rolled in from beyond the city where they live. The electric flicker of the yellow lampposts outside cast a neon glow in the room. Baz could see the moles on Simon’s skin paint imaginary pictures and constellations, and he ran his fingers over them, trying to calm himself and make the tears stop rolling. His chest was heaving, and ugly noises were coming out of his mouth, but he was trying to smother them down because Simon was still breathing heavily and making content noises. 

The nightmare was the worst he’d had in a long time. He used to have this one days in a row, but it had left him for years until today. His Simon, breathing and sleeping in his arms, had died. His Simon had been murdered or drowned or taken away by some other power, and Baz could not do anything about it. That was always the worst part. Seeing Simon fade away and die…it always nearly killed him. 

Which was why he was holding onto Simon for dear life now. Even though he was getting sticky and the heat under the sheets was becoming suffocating, Baz couldn’t find it in himself to let Simon go. The beating of his heart and the pumping of his blood was something so grounding and steady that Baz found himself counting the breaths and matching his own to them. 

Simon shifted a little under Baz’s hold, and Baz (still heaving) tried to hold his breath to no avail. Simon stirred beneath his hand and blinked slowly in the dim light. It couldn’t have been past four in the morning, and he saw it on the way Simon made a disgruntled face. “What time is it?” he asked sleepily. 

Baz’s breath stuttered, and a choked sob came out as he said, “Early.” Simon’s brows quirked, but Baz pressed his hand firmly into the small of Simon’s back and whispered, “Sweet Dreams.” 

Baz watched Simon’s eyes grow heavy, and the thud against his chest reassured him that Simon had fallen back into sleep. Now that his magic had been involved, Baz could fully cry, covering his mouth with his hand and sobbing loudly. 

His Simon…still here.


End file.
